I’m scarred you’ll see right through me…
Where do I even start. This summer has not been boring so far, and I know that there is so much to look foward to.
-Five more classes of Summer School
-New York with my moma and bestfriend
-Havasu with awsome people
-20th birthday
-Then a whole month in the desert to just catch up with friends and be home.
I think its the whole month back at home that scares me…these past two times that I’ve been back have been a little bitter sweet and somehow its getting bitter and bitter. I wish the desert wasn’t so tainted with memories and just so many things for me.
I felt like I was doing so much better with the whole breakup, yet it seems that these past few weeks things have just been brought up to peel back a scab and reopen an old wound. I hate it when people keep telling me or pointing out how dumb I was for being in that relationship. I mean he never treated me bad, we were perfect…we just had to go seperate ways..different priorities.. But no matter what, why is it so right to now point out all his flaws and make me just feel like an idiot when I can no longer defend him. This past weekend back at home I ran into his family. His little sister wouldnt stop hugging me, his mom and stepdad we’re excited to catch up and introduce me to his new little brother. I stood there in the middle of the mall holding this little baby that we had so anxiously talked about. It felt so right yet so unreal that now everything we had planned and talked about had unfolded in a different manner. I stopped myself from asking how he was doing.His mom couldn’t help but ask if we had talked. She told me that no matter how much she loved me and her son together, she was proud of me for making the decision I made,I “needed a good Christian boy, who had his life together”. I didn’t know how to even react but I couldn’t help but be honest and admit I missed him and this broken heart was healing like I wanted it to….I can’t seem to get over this. And I keep finding myself making excuses to why one day we can end up together like we dreamt of. Excuses that seem acceptable in my head yet I know are one in a million. But for now I wish I just knew where we stood, I want to know we don’t hate each other and that maybe somewhere down the road we can be friends..because more then a boyfriend, I miss my bestfriend. I guess this is what happens when you fall in love with the wrong person, it’s so much harder to move on.
